(no subject)

I brought her home from the Crematorium today, and now she sits pride of place on one of my bedside tables.

I just hope now that she is where she belongs, I can start to feel a little better. 
  • Current Mood
    sad sad
  • Tags

Goodbye my girl

Yesterday I said goodbye to my best girl, my best mate Deesa. She had a form of spondylosis - lumbar stenosis.

What this was doing was putting her in intense amounts of pain. It was putting a lot of pressure on her nerves in the spine, which was making walking painful and difficult. She would often limp and struggle to go up a few stairs, or jump out of the back of the truck. The lesion on her spine was also interrupting the message of the nerves in her back to her brain, so that she didn't know she needed to go to the toilet.

Spondylosis is a degenerative condition that would gradually get worse and worse. Ultimately, she would have ended up with paralysis in her hind legs, inability to control her bowels which would have resulted in her waking up in pools of her own urine and faeces, and she would not have been able to walk properly.

It hurt me to see her suffering like this already. It would have destroyed me to allow her to get that sick. So I took in a nice thick cut of Porterhouse Steak to work for her final meal and she and I shared a beer and then my Corporal and I took her to the vet. The vet was great, he completely discussed all options with us, so that we knew euthanasia was the best thing for her. Then he gave her a strong tranquilliser. She just hung around me then laid down in my lap as she started to get a little sleepy. I sat with her for a good 20 minutes talking to her and just patting her while she started to drift off to sleep. And then we picked her up and took her into the operating room. I kept my hands on her at all times, stroking her neck while I whispered into her ear at how much I was going to miss her and how much she meant to me. And then I said goodbye, as the vet administered the "green dream". I stayed with her while her heartbeat slowed, until it finally stopped.

I said my goodbyes, apologised for letting her down and for letting her go, and then I left to grieve. 


The crematorium has been in contact with me. They have my girl and will be cremating her tomorrow. I will be able to pick her up early next week. They are giving me a nice box with a photo and plaque on it at no additional cost. It will be good to have her home with me here, where she belongs.

I think, once she is home, I will start to feel better.

  • Current Mood
    crushed devastated
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(no subject)


- Bold all of the following TV shows which you've ever seen 3 or more episodes of in your lifetime.
- Italicize a show if you're positive you've seen every episode of it. 
Collapse )

  • Current Mood
    amused amused

What Room of the House Are You?

You Are the Bedroom
You are an indulgent person. You enjoy rest, relaxation, and pampering.
You know how to find peace in a crazy life. You are good at unplugging.

You tend to be very private. You don't let just anyone in.
You are also a romantic. When you have someone, you tend to be very couple oriented.

I do enjoy rest, though I dont get it often enough. I love pampering, but am seldom pampered. And yes - I am VERY private and don't let many people in at all. Old school romantic and very couple oriented when Im part of a couple.

For once a meme that gets it right.

(no subject)

A friend of mine said to me today, that they had never met anyone who was as guarded as me. I am not exactly sure when this happened, when I turned into someone who was so secretive, who put up so many walls to try and protect myself. Yeah so I have been hurt in the past - hasn't everyone? And yeah so I have experienced hurts unlike anything most people have experienced - does there come a point in time when you let it go and stop living behind a wall?

Apparently it is pretty clear when it happens, though I am not consciously aware of it most of the time. It was funny actually - she said she can actually see me put the walls up, and then she sees when I seem to realise and bring them down. At least she is patient and doesn't press me on it. I wonder how many other people are as perceptive. I wonder how many of my friends this trait of mine annoys.

I wonder if I will ever unlearn this.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

Pinched from Dhamphir

:The Basics::

Name: Kandis
Date of Birth: Sep 12
Birthplace: Melbourne, AUS
Current Location: Brisbane
Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Dark brown
Height: 5’9”
Heritage: Part yugoslavian
Piercings: Ears, navel, hood
Tattoos: I have 20 - they are all over my body so I will spare you with the break down of what and where.


Band/Singer: Sarah McLachlan
Song: I Love You
Movie: Sleeping Beauty
Disney Movie: See above
TV show: The X-Files
Color: Purple
Food: sushi
Pizza topping: Supreme
Ice-Cream Flavor: Mango sorbet
Drink (alcoholic): Jack Daniels
Soda: Creaming Soda
Store: JB Hi-Fi (that shop would send me broke if I let it!)
Clothing Brand: Not really into labels
Shoe Brand: Im just happy if they fit - I have a size 11.5 sized ladies foot so its hard to get nice shoes in my size.
Season: Spring
Month: September
Holiday/Festival: Anzac Day
Flower: Single long stem red roses
Make-Up Item: Can't say I really wear it.
Board game: Trivial Pursuit

::This or That::

Sunny or rainy: Sunny
Chocolate or vanilla: How come I dont get to choose Strawberry??
Fruit or veggie: Fruit
Night or day: Night, Im a night owl
Sour or sweet: Savoury
Love or money: Love
Phone or in person: In person - though I am shy so sometimes phone works a little better.
Looks or personality: Personality – nerd are hot
Coffee or tea: Coffee though I love Green Tea
Hot or cold: Hot


Goal for this year: Get my dog up to a standard to be eligible for a deployment
Most missed memory: Waking up in the arms of a lover
Best physical feature: I dont know - I dont consider myself very attractive, though if I had to say something, I would say my body art.
First thought waking up: Ugh I need more sleep!
Hypothetical personality disorder: Bipolar
Preferred type of plastic surgery: Liposuction or maybe some cosmetic dental so that I can try and get rid of my lisp.
Sesame street alter ego: Cant I be a muppet??? I always liked Beaker
Fairytale alter ego: Ariel - she always felt like she didn't really belong where she was.
Most stupid remark: I just want you to be happy. *rolls her eyes*
Worst crime: well it depends - are you talking civil or military???
Greatest ambition: Happiness
Greatest fear: Spending my life alone
Darkest secret: Not something Im about to plastered all over the internet.
Favorite subject: HPE
Strangest received gift: A vibrator - was given to me by a group of poofs!
Worst habit: Self defeatism

::Do You::

Smoke: No but I am guilty of being the occasional peer pressured social smoker.
Drink: Yes, in fact I am enjoying a beer right this minute
Curse: I am in the military - fucking oath I do!
Shower daily: At least twice a day.
Like thunderstorms: Love them until they cut the power!
Dance in the rain: I have danced in the rain before. Sex in the rain is even better though.
Sing: In the shower.
Play an instrument: I used to play the drums and the sax as a kid.
Get along with your parents: Probably because I never see them/hear from them.
Wish on stars: I wouldnt say I was wishing on the stars but I have begged the heavens once or twice in my life.
Believe in fate: I believe in karma
Believe in love at first sight: Yes but when I think of love at first sight I am not thinking of romantic love. I always picture that very first moment a mother looks at her newborn baby

::Can You::

Drive: Yes and also ride a motorcycle
Sew: Yes
Cook: Yes though I am not a chef by any means.
Speak another language: Yes but my german is very rusty.
Dance: Yep - used to earn a living doing it.
Sing: Not really. I think that skill skipped my generation.
Touch your nose with your tongue: Nope
Whistle: A little
Curl your tongue: No

::Have You Ever::

Been Drunk: Yes
Been Stoned/High: Once, not by choice. I didnt know the food was 'special'
Eaten Sushi: Yes - love it.
Skipped school: Skipped Uni but never high school.
Made prank calls: No
Sent someone a love letter: Yes
Cried yourself to sleep: Yes, more than I would really like to have.

::Other Questions::

What annoys you most in a person? Inability to be honest.
Are you right or left handed? Right-handed
What is your bedtime? Whenever I feel tired enough to go to sleep.
Name three things you can't live without: My computer(s), books, sleep
What is the color of your room? Cream
Do you have any siblings? 1 older brother, 2 younger sisters, 2 step brothers.
Do you have any pets? My Boxer Phoenix and my Bull Arab Storm.
Would you kill someone you hate for a million dollars? No
What is you middle name? Louise-Joy
What are your nicknames? Alimah, Peanut, Chops, Kandypie.
Are you for or against gay marriage? For!
Do you have a crush on anyone? No not really.
Are you afraid of the dark? Nope
How do you want to die? I'd rather not really but if I had to go I would probably prefer it to be by my own hand.
What is the largest amount of popsicles that you have eaten on one day? 10 - but admittedly I was sick and it was the only thing that would stay down.
Would you take a bullet for the one you love? Yes
What is the last law you’ve broken? Speeding
  • Current Mood
    blah blah

Super hero meme - takin the tag from dhamphir *grins*

Tell us who your favorite female super hero is, and why?

I have to confess that my favourite super heroine was also Wonder Woman. 1. She was absolutely gorgeous. 2. She totally kicked ass and 3. Well...its wonder woman - do you really need any more reason?

When I was 4 my mum lost me in a shopping centre - alright so I ran off. She was heavily pregnant with my sister and running up and down the isles looking for me (apparently I had a tendency to wander off). The customer service people kept announcing over the PA system that they had a young girl named Diana Prince up the front and could her parents please come and collect her. They finally got to the "we STILL have this young girl" stage when mum stopped panicking, listened and connected the dots. She walked up to the front and saw me spinning around (like Wonder Woman) and being my own personal super hero. She went off on the shop people - sure, every one knows who Clarke Kent is but no one could work out who Diana Prince was???!!! She was not impressed. Suffice to say, I was a happy lil camper!
  • Current Music
    X Files theme

Pinched from Dhamphir

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED? A turkish delight chocolate bar
4. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DROPPED YOUR CELL? Only a few - I like it too much
5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? March 12 - have been very sick.
7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE? Cornflakes with slices of banana.
8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? I dont really pay much attention to the opposite sex. I am assuming this is one of those questions for hetrosexuals. So if I were to apply it to my sexual preference I would have to say eyes.
9. ONE FAVORITE SONG: Pachabel's Canon
10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE? Queensland, Australia
11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED Carmel Catholic College (I know...its rather amusing)
14. LONGEST JOB HELD: Security
15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE? Probably but dont expect me to find them.
16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE? No - what a waste of money.
17. LAST WEDDING ATTENDED? A friend of a friend - went as their date.
19. LAST TIME YOU ATTENDED CHURCH: Well being an Agnostic .... High school by necessity.
21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE HEARD: "I will never hurt you"
22. FAVORITE FOOD: Roast Pumpkin
23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS? Not sure, my friends dont really invite me out places to eat very often. I'm a busy girl.
24. CAN YOU COOK? Yes though nothing spectacular.
25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE? Subaru Leone (its nearly as old as I am) Now bikes....Thats an entirely different story.
26. BEST KISSER? Mariah.
27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last night.
28. MOST DISLIKED FOOD: Shellfish - Im allergic.
29. FAVORTIE TYPE OF MUSIC: It changes depending on my mood, but I always enjoy classical or instrumental.
33. FAVORITE MOVIE? Sleeping Beauty
34. CAN YOU SING? That gene skipped my generation.
36. LAST KISS? Shana
37. LAST MOVIE RENTED: Hmmm I am not sure - I dont really rent.
38. THING YOU NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT? My wallet, my keys, my badge.
39. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT? Fiji and Germany
40. DO YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD? Yes - especially spicy.
41. HOW BIG IS YOUR BED? Queen sized. Its big enough to feel empty most of the time.
42. IS YOUR ROOM CLEAN? Clean enough. I can see the floor *shrugs*
43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER? Both, though I am currently using the laptop.
44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN? Robin Williams
45. DO YOU SMOKE? I am one of those peer pressure social smokers when out at the clubs and drinking with friends only. If you ever see me with a cigarette any other time then Im under a world of stress.
46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES ON? I prefer without but sometimes practicality dictates some sort of clothing.
48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK? They can and are sometimes more rewarding than the ones you can have with someone who is there every day.
50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? Well I have only had French Toast once, so I would have to say Pancakes just because they are familiar. But I did enjoy the FT *very* much.
51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE? Love it.
52. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? Poached, hard boiled but still a little soft, scrambled. I will eat them fried by I really dont prefer them that way (and if thats the only way I can have them....sunny side up thanks).
53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? Personally, no but then I have never really bothered reading much about it to understand it well enough to be critical.
54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE: My some times rather nosey and annoying neighbour who decided 10 at night was an entirely acceptable time to call me.
55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST? An insurance company who cant get my name right so wont get me ringing them back interstate.
56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED? One from a friend telling me that they will bring over dinner, I have to pick the DVDs for tonight.
57. MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING? Well Burger King here is called Hungry Jacks - and I prefer that to Maccas.
58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS? Under my head I sleep with one, and then I have a body pillow that I curl myself around. At least it doesn't roll away.
59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Cam shorts and a light sweat shirt (its a little cool here).
60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC OR SONG? Have I found you flightless bird.
61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J SANDWICH? Well here we call it Jam, and if its going with PB its got to be Strawberry.
62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL? Yes, I have my own table.
63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SWIM? Yes though I am not a competitive swimmer by any means.
64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Lactose intolerant so I prefer sorbet - Mango.
65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS? Not particularly - they arent the easiest things to read
66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF? I am very good at 'going through the motions' and putting off this impression that everything is AOK when its not.
67. ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR LIFE SO FAR? Overall.....probably not. Certain parts, yes.
68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY? Yes - my mum's 50th was a fancy dress themed party.
69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Spring - not too hot but not cold.
70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? Last night watching my dogs play.
71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING? 0603 - had to let the dogs out so they wouldnt go inside. It was raining last night so I got suckered in to letting them sleep inside.
72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER: Bundling up with blankets, and eating lots of soups.
73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET? A few years ago.
74. CATS OR DOGS? Presently I have two dogs, though I used to have a cat. I had her for 12 years. Was there the day she was born as well as the day she died. Just not sure if I could get another one.
75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET? Sippy (the cat from the previous question and no...I did not pick the name).
76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED? I cant say I really have an opinion.
77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND? Probably not much. Watch some movies, try to shake this illness Ive had since the 12th of March, maybe start reading another book series since I finished the Twilight one again last night.
78. HAS SOMEONE YOU LOVE EVER DIED? Yes, a few people have.
80. HOW OLD ARE YOUR PETS? My Boxer, Phoenix is 4, 5 this October. My Bull Arab, Storm, is about 3 months old.
81. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Melbourne, Australia.
82. ARE YOU SICK? Right now I have 'the flu' apparently. But if it doesnt improve in the next few days Im going to get blood tests done because it seems a lot worse to me.
83. DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL? No I finished my degree last year and am taking this year off before I decide whether or not I want to do my Masters.
84. IS THE BATHROOM OPEN? Im pretty sure its open since I live by myself.
85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP? Yes, I think I mentioned this earlier.
86. ARE YOU WATCHING MTV? No I dont have Cable TV. I am watching Basketball, though its more just a background thing while I listen to some music. Hey - Im female...we multitask.
87. ARE YOU SMILING? No...I wouldnt call the expression on my face a smile.
88. DO YOU HAVE ON EYELINER? I am not one of those make up kind of girls, and when I do wear it on the odd occasion, I never wear eyeliner because I have been blessed with incredibly long and thick eyelashes. I can get away without mascara if I really want.
89. DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE? Yes I love it.
90. ARE YOU BLONDE? No though I did dye my hair blonde a number of years back just for something different.
92. DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND? No, apparently I am not girlfriend material.
93. WHO IS YOUR CRUSH? Gillian Anderson *laughs* She is totally in love with me, just doesn't know it.
94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME? Hmmmm ... Alimah (and no I am not explaining).
95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT/TRUNKS? Depends which pair I am wearing. My athletic ones are black, my recreational bikini is white with blue swirls on it and my issued swimmers for work are blue (its an Air Force thing).
96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST? Um no. Not in school and thats like 3/4 of the way through the year. Our school year starts end of Jan start of Feb and ends around the end of Nov, start of Dec depending on what year you're in.
97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH? No I work too much to take a holiday.
98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE? No though I wouldnt mind trying that as long as I got to get off onto some land every now and then.
99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER? Yes, two. And I have a brother.
100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS? Well, technically there are 4 stairs up onto the deck of my house but its a single story place so I dont consider myself to be 'upstairs'. That's a weird and rather pointless final question.
  • Current Music
    Caught Myself - Paramore

(no subject)

Am I a fool? I am starting to think that I am. 27 years old, own my own home, doing things around the place to sprouce is up a little, have a great career that I have worked really hard for but do you think I can get the personal life sorted out? Not a chance. It broke my heart when she decided she needed to be by herself, and focus on herself, while I was away at recruits. I felt like a part of my inside that had dared allow myself to be happy, had died. But I put her out of my head, finished my training and knuckled down to focus on my work.

Got my posting - getting to stay in Brisbane and keep working on the house. Turns out she got into the Army and has also posted to Brisbane. Brilliant.... except for the small part where she is seeing someone. So, needing to focus on herself really just translates to not wanting to be with me. Her girlfriend is an idiot, and has no idea just what she has and treats like crap. But there is nothing I can do about it. So what do I do? Nothing. I don't move on, I have tried. But it seems that when I start to consider becoming more serious with someone else, she pops into my head and all I can think about is being with her again. So I cool things off with someone who wants me, who wants to be with me, who I have a nice time with but don't feel the kind of passion I feel for Lisa. And I sit here, hoping, that maybe she might change her mind.

What a fool I have become. I don't really know how much longer I can do this.
  • Current Mood
    confused confused

Random quiz thing stolen from MsVic - just because I havent worked out what to blog about yet..

Did your last kiss mean anything? Yes it did - it was with someone I was, at the time, falling in love with.
How old is the last person you kissed? 29 years old.
Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? I would say I have a snowdrops chance in hell.
What woke you up this morning? My alarm telling me it was time to go to work at 0445!
Your current relationship status? Non-existant....again. Why is it I am always single when I do these things??
What is your current mood? Somewhat procrastinating, somewhat melancholy.
What shirt are you wearing? black bonds T.
Are you crazy? My other personality denies such claims and is affronted by this question.
What was the highlight of your week? It will more than likely be the weekend.
What are you listening to? Sarah McLachlan
How long is your hair? It is short and spiky, since I shaved it all off at recruits - but I am growing it long again.
Last thing you ate? 2 choc chip cookies.
Are you happy right now? Partially.
Are you wearing make-up? I am not a make up kind of girl.
What were you doing at 11:30 last night? Staring at my ceiling
What are you looking forward to in the next three months? Finishing the first part of my IET training and moving into the dog handling phase, sex - some sex would be nice.
What did you do today? Stupid typing - like I dont already know how to do that well??? So I spent most of the day spamming work mates emails with crap.
Do you like to smile? Yes, most of the time
What time do you usually wake up on the weekends? Early - usually before 8am.
What are you wearing? Black bonds T, black gym tracksuit pants, blue and black striped beanie
If you could live somewhere else, where would it be? The US - San Diego.
Do you like your phone? Well my phone broke and now I am using an OLD nokia until my contract ends in November so I can upgrade my phone with no costs involved.
Do you ever keep arguing even when you know you’re wrong? No not usually.
Last time you took a nap? Some time on the weekend.
Are you slowly drifting away from someone close? I dont think I am close enough to anyone at the moment to really drift away.
When was the last time you cried really hard? At recruits when my partner decided to tell me via text message that they had enlisted as a single member and thus ended our relationship.
Who was the last person who texted you? my neighbour
What is your natural hair color? Dark brown bordering on black
Can you play guitar hero? No - I have never tried.
Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Warm for sure. Ever since I got really sick last year I feel the cold entirely too easily.
What do you currently smell like? Coconut
Last thing you bought? Potato cake and a Lasanga topper
Have you ever shared a drink with anyone? Shared as in both of us consumed or shared as in enjoyed someone elses company? These questions are entirely too vague.
How much money do you have on you? $34
Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be? Well it depends on whether or not you think it is right to have an ex on your mind nearly 2 months after ending things.
Do you burn easily in the sun? Nope - most times I dont know I am burnt until I go to have a shower and see the difference in skin colour from the swimmers area
Where did your last hug take place? My driveway last night after getting home from dinner with the neighbour.
Where were you raised? Victoria for a little bit but predominantly SE QLD.
  • Current Music
    Sarah McLachlan - Dont Let Go